However, NVC's needs focus is offers a way to transcend the disadvantages (unnecessary alienation) of moralistic language, and I don't see Clean Talk offering that, even with "second-level wants. Join more than 724 000 websites trusting CleanTalk, Anti-Spam Features. And, if taken too literally, or applied at times where that guidance isn't as relevant, it could lead one astray. MFP write that the basic message of a threat is: youre bad and Im going to punish you. Its a way of trying to compel desired behavior, but since it shuts down the whole discussion, even if it works in the short term, the underlying issue will remain unresolved. Well, given how reactive I was to a seemingly inescapable charge of violence, clearly some part of my psyche holds violence as "bad." So, while there's a lot in the subjective experience of anger that doesn't seem to be about thought, thought plays a critical role in the phenomenon of anger. What NVC is concerned about, in part, is the dynamic of sabotaging self-trust that can get set up when we assume that there is an objective truth about what is good and bad and that we are able to deliver authoritative judgments about this goodness/badness. So, I would translate the issue you raise to something like, would it be beneficial if NVC encourage people to try to reveal how they would benefit from what they say they want? I view learning how to communicate in more satisfying ways as an ongoing exploration, and Im continually trying to identify gaps in what I share with others about this topic, and in my own understanding. This occurs when you mix some of the 4 elements together or mislabel them in order to disguise your real intent. It seems like you struggle to be on time. Also particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts. Would you be willing to let me know, if, now that you possible understand more about NVC, you are still concerned about the things you alluded to above not being shared? To be rigorous, one could ask Would you be able and willing to? or Would it work for you to? Anyway, this point seems to me to be about nuances of wording rather than assumptions that are inherently present in a request. New Dawn Works has 4.5 stars. I suspect it was a habit unique to the person you were listening to. Note to self: Think more about what practices related to sharing interpretations I think would complement NVC, and how these might relate to the core practice. Use tab to navigate through the menu items. When youre having a heated argument with your significant other, it can be very tempting to level a real zinger at them to use words and putdowns you know will wound them and push their buttons. being connected to what is important to us, conceptually and energetically; seeing the humanity in one another, and relating to one another with an open heart; increasing flexibility, suggesting the possibility of a variety of concrete ways of addressing what matters to us; thinking and talking about what matters to us in a way that, unlike the use of moralistic language," need not trigger painful associations with a sense of danger of social disapproval or punishment. To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize I how you feel when your partner does certain things. CleanTalk uses protection methods which are invisible for What is Clean Talk TM ? I think NVC encourages us simply to be aware of the ways that they can hurt, especially at times and in certain contexts. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. The technical meaning is different (associated with different connotations) than the way the word is commonly used in English. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important. And, if what I did was wrong means, knowing what I know now, I wish I had made a different choice I feel sad and long for the wisdom to make different choices going forward then I wouldnt regard that as moralistic and would be happy to have it be expressed. To address some of the issues youve raised, I think it will be helpful to offer a little more background on NVC as I understand it. But, practices like The Work of Byron Katie engage more directly in helping people to break free of the traps their beliefs set for them. I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. But, this is somewhat outside the realm of mainstream NVC teaching. Rosenberg refuses to say the conventional things about violence to try to disrupt the static thinking about this topic that ultimately leads to nowhere near as good an outcome as he believes would otherwise be possible. You offer some example of how (moralistic) judgments can leak out. PNDC offers forms for sharing interpretations in ways that are likely to support connection. And, it's likely this story was offered as an antidote to those who chronically under-prioritize connection. I believe something can be gained by such questioning of conventional thinking. Regrettably, I imagine that many NVC practitioners do, some of the time, simply push away or suppress their moralistic judgments in ways that lead them to ultimately leak out in harmful ways. Discernment is valued among NVC practitioners. Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. The key to this kind of positive interaction is what the authors of Couple Skills call clean communication. Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg (hereafter referred to as MFP) define clean communication as taking responsibility for the impact of what you say. By being more intentional about their communication techniques and leaving out rhetoric that wounds ones partner and creates defensiveness, a couple creates a safe place in which to honestly and respectfully work through their differences. There is no guidance in NVC that says we should not think, or should not discern, assess, make value judgements, try to sense, etc. The composite examples do not, for me, fit together (a) in ways that make sense, and (b) offer examples of what Rosenberg is recommending. Note to self: Ive seldom seen this taught formally. I think this is why NVC encourages practitioners to transform their anger. I think there is lots of room for more nuanced presentation of this idea, and more nuanced advice about how to apply it in communication. "Used book that is in clean, average condition without any missing pages. Also, expressing two different levels of "wants" may help "connect the dots" regarding the meaning one is making out of a situation, in a way that expressing only one level (even if it is at a deep "need" level) might not. We oftentimes want to think weve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear youre just like your dad feels like a punch to the gut. Fight spam! (I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: A Language of Life.) People often get caught up in believing that their interpretations are true to an extent that leaves them caught in an unhelpful trap. All Speakers. The physiological response suggests that on some level we've made a judgment that fighting might be an appropriate response. This is true of communication between our body systems as well. Clean 21 Cleanse Program . I feel a little embarrassed, relieved to be clearer about what is happening, and hopeful that this act of transparency might in some way be useful.). I think that this overstates the role of emotion, by neglecting the centrality that Dr. Rosenberg gives to focusing on needs, i.e., onconnection to the deepest values that motivate ourselves and others. You write, "It's my belief that when we attempt to hide our judgments, they emerge anyway. UK Cleaning Forum - CleanTalk. Loving relationships are the most important factor in a mans happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life. There is an intermediate step, if one hasnt gone through this sort of processing: One can remind oneself that our anger isnt the full truth of the situation, and that the blame component of what we feel is only there because we havent done the work to understand the situation more deeply. Im guessing that in the first example, youve omitted a No response between the two blocks of text, and in the second example, a No response should replace the second block of text [Sure, you can come along] though this still leaves both examples reading a bit strangely, in terms of how well the final guess seems to match, or fails to match, the logic of the conversation.). I think there are two main strategies for shifting our habit around (moralistic) judgment: The first practice requires setting aside time to do this work, over and over again. However, NVC notes some risks in expressing things in this way, and offers guidance as to how one might reduce those risks. Its seldom something that can be done in real time in the middle of a conversation. I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent. Readers will likely need to reference the essay,A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC),to make sense out of my responses. One example of this is that excess focus on thinking can be risky at times, in the relational realm, but abstract thought is essential to teaching. But in assailing someones very identity, youre issuing a global label a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they dont just do bad stuff, they are a bad person. ", (In your examples labeled NVC you mix text that seems to be of your own construction with text quoted from Rosenbergs book (NVC, p. 96). In an example that I find surprising, Dr. Rosenberg won't say that in his opinion violence is harmful, as this would be a 'moralistic judgment' (p.17). All that NVC says is that, when trying to connect with another human being, there are often more fruitful things to focus on, in our speaking, and in our listening, than on the sort of thinking that many people habitually focus on. This clarifies that we interested in understanding, not in blaming and doing battle. Introduction Why Use Role Play Own Judgement Own Feelings Own Wants - Our Redo Own Data Word Coaching Introduction Judgements Feelings Wants Data Shadows of Clean Talk and Word Coaching Get Consent The End Text. I thought to myself, That's a telling question that reveals a confusion of boundaries." Boeing will work with NASA to "build, test, and fly a full-scale demonstrator aircraft and validate technologies aimed at lowering emissions," the agency said. This doesnt mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain. . To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. NVC, as a model, has evolved over a period of 40-50 years. But, it could happen, so I value the possibility being named. This was definitely the best in the bunch. You say "Dr. Rosenberg equates anger with the desire to find fault; he writes that anger 'indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody' (p.143). One could argue that a relative weakness of Clean Talk is that it apparently doesnt aspire to support some of the types of challenging-but-valuable deep change that NVC at its best can contribute to. Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." The desire to escape shame seems to be a driving factor in substance abuse and many other unwanted behaviors, and so shaming would potentially be tragically counterproductive. Note to self: Would it be useful to include anything in my NVC teaching about checking out our beliefs about what we think is going on? Posted on . Keep Body Language Open and Receptive Your body language communicates a lot, sometimes more than the actual words you speak. Would you be wiling to tell me what youre hearing me say?. However, anger would typically be a fast, transient emotion, if it weren't for periodic injections of thought that re-stimulate our anger. Speaking about a workshop demonstration of NVC, you say, "I saw no way for the mother to state without the use of judgments that her daughter had broken the law and endangered the safety of herself and others. It would have been perfectly in line with NVC for the mother to express her wish for safety (as a need), and the legal aspect could have been named as an observation though the form of an NVC expression would have invited the mother to go further into how concerns about legality impacted her at the emotional and needs levels. There is probably something to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap. They become your regular visitors. What judgment (of the 5 that are lurking in the background) is it important to name? "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and . Youre sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding, Youre so irrational, just like your mom., None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are., Why cant you be more fun like Dereks girlfriend is?, If youre going to act like that, then Im not going with you to your parents house this weekend., If you cant get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce., If you dont want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be., I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when were out with your friends., I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex., I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work., Why didnt you take out the trash last night?, Is there a reason all the dishes have been left in the sink?. His comments came as he spoke to a group of reporters on read more. ALONG WITH . If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success, but doesnt guarantee it if you just arent right for each other. That said, I have (only infrequently) had an experience of an NVC practitioner (who I assess as not very skilled) being so focused on reflecting feelings and needs that they couldn't "get" the meaning I was wanting to share with them. One thing we want to mention is that more and more transactions switch to online and this is where we can help you in bad IP-addresses detection. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. The premier brands our team has collectively supported across the cleantech value chain represent over $1 trillion in market capitalization. Well, it's one way of detecting inaccuracies. CleanTalk Awards. Most of the energy comes from somewhere else, though the words I read were the stimulus. 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clean talk communication
