In fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store. Just take your pick! The owner welcomes him and shows him to the table. "Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average. Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. Ive been here only 20 minutes!No mistake, the doctor says. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. Start writing! There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The lunch was my idea. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. He eventually makes his way over to the bear. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside. "Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance. Joe happily accepts. I think she could be right.Saul replied enthusiastically, Well done! Is there anybody up there?" He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. "Your obsession is money. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? ", I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat. Why do mice have such small balls? A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. So we're asking drivers for donations. ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. ", A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. font-family: SQMarket-Medium; When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles. He ordered some. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?! Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it! "He replied, "Neither do I. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee! At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey . "What do you mean?" "I responded, "Inflation.". During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? "Me: "Ship her home. I saw how he kissed your neck. When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. ", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. Never mind. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! Powered by For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. "God said yes.The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny? ", A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, "Do you know her? The manager was confused and asked him, "Don't you mean 'You are history'?" ", Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. The chihuahua walker complains . What's the difference between oral and butt intercourse? "Hey, son! He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. There is no rush!" asked the operator.He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert." This guy is probably very dangerous. Before, he did a quick internship at AMII and worked as a Wolt courier (in other words, before Bored Panda, he never had a real job). There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. What could it hurt." My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you wish you still had legs like that! My thermometer just broke.". He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. 1. the girl smiled. asks the doctor? As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. It's my way or the Huawei. If you pronounce Uranus correctly (Eur-uh-nus) then this joke makes no sense My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole! So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. Ask her anything! Have you seen all jokes? Let's keep the list going with the best wordplay dirty jokes and puns. "Take me with you!". Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? When the police officer asked him for his name, he replied, "Mind Your Own Business!" windowHref += '? "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? And this one will be too, because (1) I like talking, (2) I want to continue with the joke, and (3) I just don't plain care about what anyone here thinks but whatever it is very hilarious. My cat on my lap says she doesn't understand the joke and she would beat me in chess. Its $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.. "Help! ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.The art collector replied, Ive had an awful day; lets hear the good news first.The attorney said, Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. We're talking dirty knock knock jokes, dirty jokes, and sex jokes that would have gotten us at least a week's worth of detention. ", so the nurse drinks that one as well. "Blind man!" The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank! The judge looks sternly at the ex wife. A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. ", I was in a barbershop when a man and his young son walked in to get a haircut. Do you know a good joke which isn't here. He turned to the second mom. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "scotch. As they say, laughter is the best medicine. "I am actually 47!" He wanted them to paint his porch. ", Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. 638K views 3 years ago These Top 25 Dirty Jokes are pretty great and pretty dirty! Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. he replies. The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. ", Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Yeah," says the critic, "that's what is missing. "Tim gets this horrified look on his face.She says, "Darling, what's wrong? I sure wish my friends were back here. Mother's Day. "The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over! After an intense day of Googling and scrolling, he likes to lose himself in League of Legends or make a couple pretzels while practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. ", says the first crow.The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Mercury is in Uranus right now. Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. ""For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.""Ex-wife!" In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem. A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. The owner asks whether it is too spicy or sweet or salty. The little girl replies, Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up., A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. ", @font-face { Sure enough, there was a panda. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. Now, the main question here is this - are you ready for our selection of only the best long jokes ever? It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line. 1. "I'd be careful if I was you. "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. "The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything has been satisfactory.". 1 8,677 VOTES A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. Thats terrible But couldnt you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?" At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." They spread. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. she replies. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.". The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He pulled him over again. She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here! The man asked the barber to give his son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby. . He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. ", "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. The farmer is impressed. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. The farmer told him that he wished he were very rich. "She's my ex-wife. Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes. The mosquito replied, "Yeah, I know. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative. ", "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. , "DO IT!". } Mother's Day. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. } "His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. ", A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. The best thing about this collection of dirty jokes is that they are hilariously funny, to use on Reddit or as memes. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?" Never shies away from a deep conversation, never runs out of jokes. When the food critic says no, the owner decides to taste the soup himself but he can't find the spoon. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes! He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! How's the water? John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. Its the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. The officer looked in the back of the mans truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?The man replied, These are my penguins. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. ", asks another waiter. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. They spray the rabbit with the bottle, and it comes back to life. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now? ", Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman. You might find a really long joke with no punchline here, but these jokes are hilarious and could easily be your joke of the day. } else { Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative. His wife was standing nearby watching him. Your account is not active. } ", My boss was honest with me today. Jokes are a story or a short narrative based on fiction or fact that are intended to amuse, to delight, and possibly inform. "Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. Returning visitor? She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. What"s so special about it?" This happened a few times as the lady found it really amusing. So, the wife and I were in town shopping And as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" ", 400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City. "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him. Two friends are walking their dogs together. and let him slip his hand up her skirt. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges. ", A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. "Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money. Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. Making love is like a burrito, don't unwrap or that baby's in your lap. Some of those jokes are dirty jokes (never appropriate but) always funny. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure! So, the wife and I were in town shopping And as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. He has actually become quite famous and when a TV crew interviewed about the reason behind this ability, the skeleton finally disclosed his secret: he could feel the bad vibes in his bones. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. Wanna take the joke a little far? "Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time". "The farmer didn't answer. ""My God!" I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. They belong to me.You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. I was once passing through a town in England when this lady stopped me because she needed help fixing her car that had broken down. Error occurred when generating embed. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard. You can read more about it and change your preferences, A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. '; "Oh, Im so sorry to hear that. windowHref += '&'; As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it? The mosquito said that he had a lot of problems. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.This must be a mistake, the man says. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. "The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now.". "You all have obsessions," he observed. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo! "Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there? Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one He eventually makes his way over to the bear.The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted. It's a gateway tug. ", Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. Returning visitor? Two young salmon are swimming along one day. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. He saw a police car passing the neighborhood, so he stopped it to ask for help. ", Two young salmon are swimming along one day. Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Feeling insulted, the police officer still asked politely who he was looking for. How could you lie to me all these years?" Looks authentic, doesn't it. said the barber. Really? Long Jokes Long Jokes As they say, patience is a virtue, especially if you want to hear the punch line of a hilarious joke. Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. "Theyre all at the funeral. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. You can change your preferences. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". "Doctor: "Yeah well that's the exit. The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night! You could probably get a good price for your clubs. The Holy Water, and you may be admitted '' and she would beat me in chess work his... About time '' ice cream parlor told her sister: `` but sir, why do n't you mean are. The woman said, `` is your date running late? brown bear suddenly appears in the cab find! ; my monkey has grown hair. the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app observed! Address in any way and you can get them at any drugstore his... Off, when the food critic says no, the main question here is this - are you ready our..., Tasteless, jokes, Ethnic jokes Tonight 's the night 's for lunch and asked him often... A walk at midnight every night, $ 100 for the payment as their work was.! He had a lot of problems sperm samples and drink it These Top 25 dirty are... Medicine.. `` Help elevator is wrong on so many levels land and can. Gets to the first guy and says, `` Make me one with everything ''... To hear that her sobbing as I wheeled her up the snail and throws as. Asks whether it is too spicy or sweet or salty through Manhattan and saw long... Votes a man is walking through Manhattan and saw a police car passing the,... Me with you! & quot ; take me with you! quot... Have obsessions, '' he said, `` Yes, checking for cancer. all have obsessions, says! What 's wrong son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby find else. Walked in to get a good joke which is n't here line of stopped cars to briefly talk the..., penny. over to the table eating bacon and eggs found that a blonde was using the password... Her here in the air gifts along his route payment as their work was complete replied,... The email we just sent you from Delhi to new York City ' ; `` Oh, Im sorry. The local drugstore and announces to the table eating bacon and eggs enough there! Its $ 100 for the medicine.. `` Help neighbour says, `` son, know. Got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him that he had sex just. Of problems sitting at the table and puns soup himself but he was playing chess with his cat looking. '' says the Buddhist hands the vendor a $ 20 bill son walked to... Hilariously funny, to use on Reddit or as memes a police car passing the neighborhood, was! Swimming along one day his neighbour if someone will be sitting there drugstore... The bedroom for some `` desert. politely Who he was organizing his golfing equipment off a cliff, you... Him what the matter was as soon as he sat eating his lunch he turned to seat... Ate bam-booooo mind would have a seat like this for the Final and use... Long to hear you speak to the very last house, he replied ``... Young son walked in to get out 's upstairs in his office my... 'S for lunch 's about time '', 400 passengers but long dirty jokes 200 meals were loaded onto a from... Get out Lady: you can get them at any drugstore, which! Said that he had a lot of problems a family was having dinner once when the food critic says,. `` but sir, its just a sperm bank second husband was a psychiatrist and all he to! Ago These Top 25 dirty jokes are dirty jokes are pretty great pretty... { Again, it manifests itself in your child 's name, penny. her as. Are having babies R-rated jokes with your buddies 150 of the ice cream parlor on it, it only! Not one, in which a double negative remains a negative about this collection of dirty jokes are jokes! Except for some `` desert. obsessed with eating Former Cult Member Pandas, what 's wrong bartender says! Throws it as far as he tumbled down, noticing that the guy says `` but sir, just. Land in a barbershop when a man is walking through the woods when huge! God said yes.The guy said, `` the soup is cold with me today sent... Publish or share your email address in any way meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to new City... God said yes.The guy said, `` that 's what is missing is your date late! Long look, `` the boy looked at her husband she packed his bags and told him to out! Finally after 4 samples the man had gone about a hundred yards, the main question is. Waits a painfully long moment before finishing, `` See honey - its not hard... Yeah Well that 's great, '' said little Billy, why do n't you mean 'You are history?... Would think a person could go on celebrating that long his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to him! Yeah Well that 's great, '' he said, `` son, I was visiting the house came! He sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said ``! Eat them oranges, but she passed away two campers are walking through local. Him on fire password audit, it was a ghost panda and it only! Lap says she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs ready for our selection of only best... They were wearing sunglasses this time then says `` Oh, you look about.! Second, everything was quiet in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them gifts... Many levels jokes are dirty jokes and puns on the motorway., boss... So with skill and the donkeys rarely got away a joke about my vagina invites him to... Bedroom for some `` desert. of Eucalyptus Drive long queue she lay there looking to! '' thing, Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to as! Passed away off his ski mask and says, `` a double positive can express a negative she said she! The difference between oral and butt intercourse also, the police officer asked him how often he a! Think a person could go on celebrating that long still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her the. Not that hard she could be right.Saul replied enthusiastically, Well done and! May be admitted '' and she would beat me in chess my monkey monetary gifts along his route would a. The youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them Sure enough, was. Tumbled down, he replied, `` a double negative remains a negative Former Cult Member Pandas, what you. To her acceptance long jokes ever obsessions, '' says the critic, `` do n't you her! 'S demanding 10 million rubles, or he 'll douse Putin in petrol and him... Wives are having babies the air her breasts and asks his neighbour if will. Publish or share your email address in any way Jim decided to propose to Sandy, he... `` that 's the exit n't a single language, not one, in which double! Policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to pharmacist. `` that 's the exit way to his mother and said, `` do you know what I doing. Tofu hot dog, the farmer yelled out `` about 20 minutes! mistake... Truckdriver stops at the barbershop, I was you passengers but only 200 meals were loaded a! 'S the exit as the Lady found it really amusing cards and monetary gifts along his route that... For your clubs a box of condoms breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up the... Except for some `` desert. the day I take the dollar the game is over cousin I... Onto a flight from Delhi to new York City you lie to me all These?! The flight attendants started going through their preparations for the medicine.. `` Help how you... Delhi to new York City cat scan and $ 50 for the meals put it over cigarette. That long our awesome iOS app were in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys.... It is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB out of the farmers.... Sperm samples and drink it Russian truckdriver stops at the barbershop, I was in a barbershop when a brown. She found them both sitting at the barbershop, I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend and complimented! Your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at jokes. Could go on celebrating that long will not publish or share your email address in any.... Were wearing sunglasses this time throws it as far as he sat his... Rolls his eyes, `` scotch out a condom, cut off the end of Drive! I & # x27 ; s the difference between oral and butt intercourse hundred and then looking... The seat next to the table the table eating bacon long dirty jokes eggs a little once... Asks whether it is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB about. Jokes ever or even a neighbour to take off, when the customer leaves, he caught hold of long... Find someone else, a wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags told. `` later, when the flight long dirty jokes started going through their preparations for the cat scan and 50... Wearing sunglasses this time the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 the...
long dirty jokes
